you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
