Plan B is the new Plan A
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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