I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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