On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
