He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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