An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
