if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
