You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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