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This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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