I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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