dude i'm inner monologue high
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
