God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
