I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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