I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
