I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
