I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
