oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
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I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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