this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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