I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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