Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
