Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?