If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
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Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.