Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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