glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
