dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You're like the curious george of whores
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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