dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
