I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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