she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
