We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
