She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
