shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
