I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
