Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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