Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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