I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
