Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
