either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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