he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I lost the right to judge tonight
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
