I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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