Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
