By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
