Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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