I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Randomize
