opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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