My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
