Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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