I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
