i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
