I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
