I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
