and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
