Got a toothbrush?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
