time to smoke my breakfast
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
