are you still at the devil's house?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
