her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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