there's paper in my vomit.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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