you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
