I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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